Q: I live in distress and misery, though four years ago, I was happy and satisfied with Allah's Favor. I was devoted to Allah and hopeful of Allah's Reward, performing Salah (prayer) and Sawm (fast) and calling to Allah. I was jealous of the status of Muslims till I took part in Jihad (fighting/striving in the Cause of Allah) in Afghanistan. I promised Allah not to return till I achieved victory; but I became weak and returned in two months, upon the insistence of my parents. Then, my whole life changed to the extent that I doubt the existence of Allah and the authenticity of the Ever-Glorious Qur'an and Sunnah (whatever is reported from the Prophet). I pushed such thoughts away and searched in the tapes and books of Sheikh Al-Zandany and Al-Haqq (the Truth) appeared. Nevertheless, some doubts and insinuations still haunt me. The gravest disaster is that I do not feel fear of Allah in my heart. I constantly make Istighfar (seeking forgiveness from Allah) as I have been suffering from this for a year and half. I tried everything to make sure of Al-Haqq and dispel such doubts, but in vain. As soon as I begin to follow Al-Haqq for a time, I return to what I held. I used to fast the White Days (13th, 14th, and 15th of every Hijri month) and perform Tahajjud (optional late night Prayer), I still do this but I do not feel the joy.
I sold my car and gave the money to charity for the Sake of Allah, hoping that Allah might bring me back to Him. However, everyday I find myself worse than before. I started to devoutly recite a Juz' (a 30th of the Qur'an) everyday, but this does little to affect and assure my heart. I find my heart heedless and impervious to Al-Haqq; I fear Allah's Anger over what I have done. I also give a quarter of my salary in charity for the Sake of Allah and take care of orphans. I am not affected by admonitions as before; I accuse myself of Fisq (flagrant violation of Islamic law), Fujur (wickedness, evil-doing) and sometimes Kufr (disbelief). I have tried every means, but still the doubts and insinuations destroy me and I cannot get rid of them.
You, Sheikh, are my last hope in this world after Allah (Glorified be He). I will not complain to any one after you. Is there a solution or a treatment for what I suffer from? I will seek the Help of Allah (Glorified be He) and carry out your orders In sha'a-Allah (if Allah wills). I hope you will supplicate Allah for me in the darkness of night to have mercy upon me and to bring me back to Him. May Allah reward you best!
I have read your letter and was distressed at the doubts and insinuations that have befallen you. I ask Allah to give you guidance, return you to Al-Haqq, fill your heart with true Iman (Faith/belief), grant you sincere Tawbah (repentance to Allah) and protect you against the insinuations of Satan. He is the Most Generous.
This happened to some of the Sahabah (Companions of the Prophet) where they doubted some matters related to Allah (Glorified be He). The Prophet (peace be upon him) advised them to say, when having such feelings,: "I truly believe in Allah and His messengers," and to seek refuge from Allah and give them up. So I advise you as did the Prophet (peace be upon him) with the Sahabah to say such words whenever you are stricken with any such doubts: "I believe in Allah and His Messengers, I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed Satan."
I advise you to repeat this whenever an evil thought comes to you. I advise you also not to despair of Allah's Mercy. You must recite the Ever-Glorious Qur'an often, and contemplate its meanings and supplicate to Allah with sincerity, hope and fear to guide you to Al-Haqq and remove these insinuations.
You should supplicate to Allah frequently during the night prayer in Sujud (prostration) and between the Adhan (call to Prayer) and Iqamah (call to start the Prayer). You should think well of Allah, for He (Glorified be He) stated in what was reported from Him by His Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him): I am near to the thought of My servant as he thinks about Me and I am with him when he calls Me. In another wording: If he remembers Me... You should keep a good company and beware of bad company.